


Your Body Talks

by black_tea



Series: The Masks We Wear [4]
Category: Mindhunter (TV 2017)
Genre: Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Anxiety, Bill Gives Good Advice, First Time, Holden Has Issues, M/M, Season 2, Sexual Content, alpha!Bill Tench, omega!Holden Ford
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-22
Updated: 2020-08-04
Packaged: 2021-03-05 00:28:06
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,099
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25445401
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/black_tea/pseuds/black_tea
Summary: Holden's relationship with Bill heats up, but growing intimacy with an alpha also brings more questions to the surface. Holden isn't sure he wants the answers.
Relationships: Holden Ford/Bill Tench
Series: The Masks We Wear [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1803040
Comments: 16
Kudos: 88





	1. You Can't Fool Everyone

**Author's Note:**

> I'm going ahead and posting the first chapter now before I go out of town. The story is written, and the next chapter will come out in a week when I return.

“Hi Mom, it's me. I just wanted to see how you and Dad are.” Holden sat on the edge of his kitchen counter, feet idly swinging.

“It's nice to hear from you, everything's fine here. How's work?”

“Good, I'm leaving for Atlanta tomorrow morning – just for two days.” He mentally checked off the items he had packed and absently tapped his fingertips against the counter top. 

“Are you seeing anybody new?”

“Um, not seriously.” _I wonder how badly she'd take it, if I told her about Bill. Not the details, of course. She doesn't need to know he's married. I know she doesn't like the idea of me being alone, but I'm not sure she'd think of an alpha as an improvement._ “Anything new with you?” Sensing danger, he quickly changed the subject.

“You know your cousin Meg?” His mother's voice took on the tone he associated with immanent gossip. _This must be good, if she's already dropped my love life._

“Uh, yeah.” He hadn't seen Meg in at least five years, or was it six? _I think it was at uncle Rick's funeral._ In truth, he didn't have close relationships with many people in his extended family. Over the years he had sussed out that it had something to do with his mother, but the reason they kept each other at arms length had never been completely clear. Moving around hadn't helped either. His mother's sister and her daughter, Meg, were part of the handful he had any real connection to, and they didn't exactly go out of their way to keep in contact.

“You know her son, Jacob?”

Holden thought for a minute. “I think he was seven? Eight? The last time I saw him.”

“Yes, dear, that's probably about right. He presented.”

“Oh? Ooooh. He would be the right age. As what?” He wracked his brain trying to remember any tell tale behaviors he might have shown, but Holden didn't have a clear memory of him. Just a dark haired little kid who seemed kind of quiet.

“As an omega, poor thing.”

“It's not really that much of a surprise is it? There's enough people in the family who are alpha or omega, it's going to pop up.” _Like the person you gave birth to and are talking with on the phone. Did I remember to pack socks?_

“No, but they were hoping he was just quiet and shy.”

_I am not going to say a word about Bill._ “I'm sure he'll be fine. I'm fine.” _Mostly. I just have a prescription for pills, and I'm afraid to tell my own mother I'm seeing an alpha._ A little spark of hurt flared in his chest, quickly extinguished, but it's presence made him uncomfortable. He didn't usually feel this way. He generally considered the relationship with his parents to be good.

“I know you're fine, but we suspected and worked with you early. Jacob's already a teenager.”

_Bill would have a field day with this conversation. Uh, I shouldn't be thinking about Bill, I can't slip up._ “I'm going to have to let you go. I have to get up early to catch my flight.”

“OK, it was nice hearing from you. I'll let your father know you called.” With a click she was gone. 

Holden hung up the phone feeling discomfited. He always talked a lot with his mother, and he knew her opinions about most things. They didn't generally bother him. But ever since the disaster at Vacaville, there had been a feeling of unease. He mostly stuffed those feelings down into as deep a hole as they could possibly be stuffed, instinctively fearing what would happen if he examined them too closely. 

_What is wrong with me tonight? Must be heat._ He had packed both the Dexaphil and his birth control leaving aside what he needed for the morning. He couldn't risk forgetting that particular medication. Satisfied that his emotional state was likely caused by his body chemistry gone haywire, he readied for bed and thought about Bill.

* * *

Holden was shaken out of his stupor by the pressure change as the plane began it's descent to the Atlanta airport. He needed to pull it together, but he found himself struggling. It wasn't even the worst day of his heat cycle. That would come tomorrow. Even with the Dexaphil, it wasn't uncommon for him to feel more fatigued than normal, and sometimes the medication made him feel odd. It had never been enough to interfere with his life. He just wasn't at his best for a few days. This was worse than usual. He felt tired and spacey, and he couldn't afford it. He had two interviews to complete. Normally he would be eager to interview a subject, but the timing was bad. He really just wanted to lie down, or cuddle up with Bill. Or both. Definitely both. He rubbed his eyes and forced himself to sit up straight. _You can do this. It's just a few days._

He could have postponed the interviews per Bill's suggestion. But he hadn't felt as bad when Bill rang him up that morning, bowing out due to a case of food poisoning. Besides, backing out due to his heat cycle meant admitting that it actually had an effect on him, which he was loath to do. He worried that it wouldn't reflect well on him, and it also upset his own private fiction that he could virtually ignore the way he had been born.

After the interminable amount of time it took to disembark, he spotted Jim Barney waiting for him. He had never had the opportunity to really speak to the man, but Bill thought highly of him and had wanted to hire him in place of Gregg. Small talk with Jim wasn't so bad, and Holden found himself impressed that he managed to absorb the thick files on both the upcoming interviews. But more than that, in his current addled state, Jim wasn't difficult to be around.

The louder and more aggressive the other person's mannerisms, the more effort it took Holden to respond as an average person. Average person being anybody who wasn't an omega. Making eye contact and appearing confident was harder when his biology kicked in to make sure the little baby maker didn't make himself a target. It was colossally annoying to deal with. Meetings with Shepard had been mentally exhausting. Though he supposed it had made him a decent hostage negotiator. He wasn't inclined to jump to violence as his first option, and he was less likely to frighten the hostage taker into doing something stupid. Excluding his horrible last night in the field.

Luckily Jim didn't require much effort, and for that, Holden was more grateful than Jim could ever know. He started to hold out hope that the next two days wouldn't be a complete loss.

William Henry Hance Jr. glared at Holden from across the table. “I'm not stupid. The judge declared me continent to stand trial.” He declared.

“Continent?” Holden struggled to keep it together. His concentration was shot, he was exhausted, and the man across from him seemed to be speaking an entirely different language, albeit not one of the seven he claimed to know. _These are English words, yet nothing makes sense._

“Why are you repeating everything I say?” 

“Because I'm just so impressed by your extensive vocabulary.” Holden lied. It might have been amusing under a different circumstance, but he was grasping at straws now. “I just can't follow all of your colloquialisms.” _This is unbelievable. I'm not sure he can even tie his own shoes in the morning._

Jim managed to distract Junior from his annoyance with Holden by bribing him with candy, and suddenly the idiot was talking. Though, Holden doubted the usefulness of the information. Still, Jim was impressive. _We could have had Jim, but instead we got Gregg. One point to nepotism._ He felt the beginnings of a headache coming on, but did what he had years of experience doing – pretending that absolutely nothing was wrong. He let Jim take the lead.

The next day didn't prove any better with yet another subject whose synapses just weren't firing. His story was so convoluted, that it would take a flow chart to figure out the events of the murder. First he was telling the police the victim was dead and where the remains could be found, and next he was demanding a ransom for her safe return. The child murders were the most interesting part of the trip, and Holden wanted to help, but he was in town for only two days with limited ability to act.

He slept for most of the flight back to Virginia, perfectly happy to see the back of Atlanta and it's expanding airport.

* * *

“This was a waste of time.” Holden said, clicking off the tape recording of the Hance interview.

“Only because you lost interest.” Wendy disagreed. “If it wasn't for Jim Barney, the interviews would be useless.”

“We need to find subjects that can at least tie their own footwear.” Holden went on while Bill observed the back and forth between Wendy and the omega. 

Bill disagreed that the subjects were uninteresting, and believed they pointed out the rigidity in their own thinking and system of categorization. However, he was also interested in why his partner flubbed the interviews. He didn't sound anxious on the recording, and he didn't seem to be now. He had spoken to him on the phone while Holden was in Atlanta, and everything seemed to be all right. _Was he really just bored?_

Bill found himself right behind Holden as they left the conference room. With the omega's close proximity, he couldn't help but get a snoot full of pleasant smelling pheromones. Bill noticed he smelled...different. Subtle, but there – a lovely underlying sweetness edged with a medicinal tang. _Shit._ Various pieces began fitting into place, and he grabbed Holden's shoulder to keep him back.

Holden turned towards him, looking puzzled. “Bill?”

Bill reached up and cupped Holden's jaw, turning his head enough to expose his neck above the shirt collar. He leaned in, well aware of the intimacy of the gesture. But he needed to know, and he didn't trust Holden to be truthful about this. He was so close to Holden's bare skin he could easily have kissed him. Instead, he inhaled deeply, feeling the other man quiver. This bedroom behavior was completely out of place in their basement work space at Quantico, but sometimes figuring out his omega partner meant using all his god given senses. He'd also be lying, if he claimed he didn't enjoy those few moments of intimacy. Finally, resisting the urge to press his lips to the sweetly exposed skin, he straightened up. He maintained the firm but gentle grip on Holden's jaw, though he didn't force the omega to meet his gaze. He wasn't trying to bully him, just get his attention.

“You've been in heat.” He kept his voice low, knowing that this was something Holden didn't want broadcast to the entire team.

The omega looked startled, but quickly pulled himself together. “I'm a healthy adult. That happens multiple times a year.”

“Fuck, Holden, why didn't you say something? If you weren't feeling up to the interviews we could have postponed them.” Bill reluctantly dropped his hand. While far from expert on the medications omegas took to control their biology, he was aware that the most popular heat suppressants could have side effects. They were mild, comparatively speaking, not like the first round of medication that appeared towards the end of the 1950's. Heat itself also placed a certain amount of stress on an omega's body, even when suppressed. It didn't surprise him that Holden felt some negative effects.

“I wasn't feeling that bad when I offered to go. Besides, I can't just not do my job, because of my reproductive cycle.” Holden pointed out, turning to fully face the alpha. This put him directly in Bill's space, and he awkwardly took a step back. Bill noticed the flush that spread across his cheeks. “That would be career suicide.”

“But you could have stayed and transcribed rather than attempt an interview. I know this is natural for you, and you know how to manage it. But if you aren't able to perform that day, you need to tell me.” Bill wasn't sure which was worse, for Holden to blow the interview, because he didn't care, or for him to attempt to do his job partially incapacitated where he could end up hurt. 

“I'm surprised you could tell.” 

“Only because I was practically on top of you in the doorway, and I'm used to your scent.” Bill could see the relief on Holden's face, but that just reinforced Bill's resolve. He needed his partner to take this seriously. “I mean it, Holden. If there's a problem, you have to tell me. Otherwise you're putting our work and yourself at risk.”

* * *

Bill guided him back to their work area with a hand at the small of Holden's back, only dropping the contact when they came in to view of Gregg and Wendy. Not that Holden minded. Far from it, but Bill's reassurance regarding his ability to sense his heat cycle didn't completely put him at ease. Unfortunately, Holden didn't know what was normal. Could an alpha with a mate detect their partner's heat even though it was suppressed? Did people who worked together form enough of a bond to be able to tell? Clearly, it must be possible, since Bill had detected a subtle change in his scent. Or was Bill an anomaly? But then again, he and Bill kissed and cuddled on a regular basis. How much contact was enough to kick off a bonding response?

Bonding was the reason alpha and omega pairs tended to be so successful at staying together. It was also the reason alphas and omegas took dating each other so seriously. All humans bonded, but alphas and omegas did so on an entirely different level as they adjusted to the chemicals given off by their partner. This benefited both. Omegas who bonded experienced higher levels of emotional stability, while alphas experienced lower levels of aggression. Both gained added resiliency and overall better health outcomes doctors usually chalked up to a reduction in stress. It was the reason doctors always asked Holden if he had a mate, and fussed at him when he said 'no.'

However, if he bonded with an alpha, Holden's body would become uniquely attuned to that individual through his ability to pick up his partner's scent. Should something happen to his partner, he would be facing a major depressive episode. Something to make his recent stint in the hospital look like a vacation as his body went through withdrawal. It wasn't a death sentence. One partner didn't pine away as often portrayed in soap operas, but it was an experience no omega or alpha wanted to go through. Bonding happened when the alpha and omega spent a lot of time in each others company, exposing themselves to their scents, and typically helped along by repeated intimate contact. Going on a few dates and kissing wasn't enough to facilitate bonding. Long term dating and sexual activity, however, was. 

Confused and worried, Holden sank into his seat and fidgeted restlessly. This was the first time since he began taking Dexaphil a decade ago that his cycle had given him any cause for concern. He didn't like it. He preferred to take his pill and pretend it didn't exist.


	2. Cliff's Edge

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Holden comes to the realization that there's a lot about himself he doesn't know. It's all Bill's fault, really.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 3 will be up next week - I've come to the conclusion that it needs some more work before posting.

Despite having lived in his body for three decades, Holden was fast coming to the uncomfortable realization that he didn't know that much about it. He had absorbed the appallingly embarrassing omega sex-ed talk. _Maybe that's what my problem is. I was horribly scarred at the age of twelve._ There was so much that hadn't been covered. Everyone knew the basic mechanics of going into heat and that an omega in heat would set off rut in an alpha. He was well aware that alphas and omegas possessed receptors that allowed them to pick up information about each other through scent. He knew from first hand experience that birth control had become easier to obtain over the past decade or so, and that Dexaphil was a godsend. He knew as an omega, his natural behavioral patterns didn't fit the masculine stereotype, or feminine either. Omegas existed in some strange netherworld that was neither here nor there, and if he wanted to be successful in a career, he was going to have to spend a lot of time faking it. Contrary to what Bill might believe, Holden was quite aware that he bungled things on a semi-regular basis, but it wasn't something he could really help. Omegas' bodies were declared a miracle by those who studied human reproduction, but Holden mostly found his inconvenient. Thus, the extent of his knowledge ended there.

He had never planned on mating with an alpha, and he could prevent heat cycles, so it hadn't mattered. Until Bill. Bill turned everything on its head, and Holden had the uncomfortable feeling he was floundering. And that was how Holden ended up reading a scientific journal article on the role scent played in alpha and omega bonding during his lunch break. He sat at his desk eating leftover take out, and so absorbed that it took him a moment to realize Bill was reading over his shoulder. Ironically, Bill's scent gave his presence away. Holden jumped, and almost dropped the take out container.

“Interesting reading?” Bill asked. There was an edge to his scent, and Holden had a feeling he was about to get his for being booted out of Atlanta.

“Yes, actually, it is.” Holden said, as if his choice of reading material were completely normal. He tried to go back to reading, but Bill continued to stare at him with a speculative look that Holden found unnerving. “As hard as this might be to believe, there were some, um, holes in my education regarding certain...things...” His voice trailed off as Bill continued to stare at him. He picked up the takeout container, popped a piece of orange chicken into his mouth, and stared back. He couldn't keep it up very long. Being incapable of staring Bill down, or anyone else for that matter, he dug around in the take out box in search of the good bits.

“Holden,” he began. “I have no trouble believing that at all.” 

Holden shot him another look and began aggressively eating the rest of his chicken. He could smell the amusement radiating from Bill, which wasn't such a bad thing considering that he smelled stressed lately. 

“What's going on?” Gregg asked, wandering over.

Holden cursed inwardly. He had moved past the near disastrous OPR investigation, and didn't hold any ill will toward Gregg. Or at least not much ill will. He mostly blamed himself for not immediately taking possession of the tape. However, Gregg wasn't someone he trusted or shared personal things with. “Nothing, just eating lunch.” _Please don't say anything, Bill._ He mentally willed the alpha who was clearly enjoying Holden's discomfort.

“Oh, Holden was just telling me about an article he was reading.” 

Holden set the mostly empty container down with more force than strictly necessary. “I was not. You were reading over my shoulder.”

“You said it was interesting,” Bill said mildly.

Holden took a calculated risk and handed Gregg the Xeroxed copy. Typically when faced with issues specific to alphas or omegas, particularly omegas, betas became uncomfortable and backed off. 

“I don't know why you're so uncomfortable with this. You have no trouble telling convicted killers personal anecdotes to win them over.” Bill went on while Gregg thumbed through the article.

“Personal anecdotes that most people can connect to. Most people have at least one embarrassing story regarding their parents and sex or an encounter that didn't go as planned. If you haven't noticed 100% of our subjects are betas. They aren't going to want to hear about issues specific to omegas – they can't relate.”

Gregg set the article back on Holden's desk. “I don't think I'd be comfortable even going that far – with personal anecdotes.” He clarified. He had at this point heard all of the interviews in question.

“Most people wouldn't.” Bill agreed genially. He turned back to Holden. “Anyway, if you don't want people knowing what you're reading, you shouldn't bring it to work.”

Holden rolled his eyes. “It's a peer reviewed journal article, not pornography.”

“Then what's the problem, again?” Bill asked. 

“There's no problem.” Holden ground out while Gregg wandered back to his desk, not entirely certain what Holden and Bill were going on about. 

Bill gave Holden an affectionate slap on the back. “Enjoy the rest of your lunch.” Holden slouched in his chair and glared in the direction of Bill's office.

* * *

Wendy and Gregg had left for the day, but Bill was still working as Holden began packing up to leave. He drifted over and leaned against the door frame of Bill's office. The alpha briefly glanced up before continuing to write. Since there was nothing unwelcoming in Bill's scent or posture, he made his way over and sat on the edge of the desk. Bill didn't look up, but reached over to rest his hand on Holden's leg a bit above the knee.

“So what's really up with your choice of reading material?” Bill asked, serious this time.

Holden stared at the wall, considering his words. “You could tell I was in heat despite the suppressant. I wasn't sure how that was possible, or why my cycle hit me particularly hard this time. That got me thinking about other things, and I realized how much I don't understand about my own biology. And you're right, I'm not comfortable with it. It's mostly just makes my life difficult.”

“Your suppressants work fine. I'm just around you all the time. I can pick things out of your scent that someone who didn't know you as well wouldn't be able to. And fuck it, if they weren't working properly, we'd have had a much bigger problem than you blowing an interview.” He absently rubbed Holden's thigh. “It didn't really affect me, I could just tell.”

Holden felt tension start to ease. Bill's touch was relaxing. “There's so much going on under the surface. We don't think about it, a large portion of it doesn't even register consciously. What are all those chemicals and receptors doing that we aren't even aware of?”

Bill removed his hand from Holden's leg and rested his elbows on the desk. “Information – who's a threat, who's a potential mate, if the people around you are well or unwell. If your partner is pissed at you because you fucked up and put your foot in it...” 

“Doesn't that fall under the 'potential threat' category?” Holden couldn't help but smile.

“That depends on what the partner in question did.” His tone became more serious again. “There are all kinds of theories as to how all this works and why, but scientists, sociologists, psychologists – they don't really know for sure either. This isn't really my area. If it helps bring people together, it's not a bad thing.”

“No it isn't.” Holden agreed, and at it's very most basic, the mechanisms that made omegas and alphas what they were did bring people together in order to make more little people. What Holden wasn't sure about was where conscious choice began and ended, or if it even mattered. _Maybe some people are just uniquely suited to each other on a physical level._

Bill stood up and pressed his lips to Holden's forehead. “I know it makes you uncomfortable, because it makes you different. I like that you're different.”

Holden turned this over, but couldn't quite agree. “Different often means less than or unequal.”

“I know that omegas are just as talented and capable as other people.” He rubbed Holden's shoulders and biceps. “But what makes you different is also sexy as hell.” Bill dropped his head to nuzzle against the omega's nose and lips. He pressed teasing little kisses to Holden's mouth before straightening up. “I do need to get home. I promised Nancy I wouldn't be too late.” Stress crept back into Bill's scent.

Holden slid off the desk, wondering where the hell they were going and whether it was his mind or body that had the wheel. And though he enjoyed the fact Bill found him attractive as he was, his partner didn't seem to fully understand his concerns. Like it or not, it wasn't OK for him to be different. It wasn't OK for him to be himself.

* * *

The next evening Bill stopped by Holden's apartment on the way home from work. Holden left a half hour before Bill thanks to a mountain of paperwork that Bill despaired of getting through. He couldn't stay too long. Nancy needed him home, and Bill understood, but home was starting to feel like a minefield. He found himself snatching bits of time here and there to be with Holden. Time to not be at work or at home. Once recharged he could face his family. It probably wasn't the right thing to do, but it was the only thing he knew how to. He didn't know how to fix the problems with Brian and make Nancy happy. He had also been seriously questioning the validity of their marriage, yet he felt trapped by the responsibility. He could only keep showing up and hoping the way forward became clearer.

Holden stood in the doorway, his suit exchanged for casual clothes. Short sleeves exposed the touchable bare skin of his arms, and the unbuttoned collar left access to his kissable throat. _You need to slow the fuck down._ He scolded himself. _The idea was to not jump in over both your heads – take your time, feel things out._

Holden smiled and kissed him, but the omega's scent was spiked with nervousness. They lingered in an embrace for long moments. “Are you OK?” Bill asked.

“Yeah, it's just...there's something I need to show you, to talk to you about.” He stepped back depriving Bill of the warmth from his body, and for a moment, he felt a real stab of concern. However, it quickly melted away as he watched a change come over the other man. Holden dropped his gaze down and to the side, no longer meeting the alpha's gaze. His posture changed, and he became softer and submissive. _Not really submissive_. Bill corrected himself. Of all the ways one could describe Holden Ford, it wouldn't be submissive. He was just wired differently, so that he broadcast a particular message to any potential alpha partners. And being an alpha, Bill was wired to pick up those signals and respond accordingly.

Holden took his hand, and led Bill to the sofa. _He has nice hands._ He thought, not for the first time. He sat down, patiently waiting for what was coming. In some things, Holden could be quite predictable, and he would have bet money as to where the omega was going with this.

“Bill, I need you to understand this about me.” Holden said, sitting facing Bill with one leg folded under him and the other hanging off the sofa. “This is how I am naturally.”

“I know. It's cute.” He knew Holden didn't particularly like being referred to as cute, but he was. Omegas by their very natures were darling, which was why Bill was in danger of setting the remains of his marriage on fire and shoving it off a cliff for one.

Holden predictably rolled his eyes and looked mildly annoyed. “Of course you think it's cute. You're an alpha, you're supposed to think it's cute so that you'll protect me. That's how nature designed us. But betas don't think that way. They aren't going to take me seriously, if I'm staring at my feet when I talk to them. Or if I don't speak up enough, or if my posture doesn't look confident.” 

“Holden...”

“It does add to my stress level, because it's exhausting to put on a show everyday. But there's nothing I can do about it, if I want to work in a field dominated by betas and alphas.” He finished, crossing his arms and looking huffy. 

“Holden, come here.” He patted the spot next to him, his voice patient. The omega grudgingly scooted over, and Bill's hand found Holden's waist and gave it a gentle squeeze. He couldn't deny that Holden did have a point when it came to some scenarios. There were times when he needed to show authority, and betas didn't understand that someone could be confident and knowledgeable, but not outwardly display it in a way they understood. However, Holden took this concern to an entirely unnecessary level. 

“There's an answer to this,” Bill went on. “Just turn it off when you don't need to impress people. We've already established that I think your normal behavior is cute. The people at the grocery store aren't going to care are they?” He turned his head and nuzzled Holden's hair.

“No.” Holden admitted.

He turned his head towards Bill and received a kiss on the forehead. “And you aren't trying to pick up girls as a beta, are you?” _I know you aren't, because they can't give you what you need, what I can give you. Christ, I want you._ Bill tilted his chin up with his free hand, so he could kiss Holden's mouth.

“Uh no. I gave up on that, obviously.” He sounded a little breathless and leaned forward in search of Bill's lips. Bill obliged him, letting the omega taste his lips and tongue.

“Good.” He ran his hand over the omega's ribs, feeling the fabric of his shirt slide over warm skin. He was feeling increasingly aroused, but then judging by his scent, so was Holden. “They can't do the things to you that I can,” he said, his voice pitched low. He let his lips trail down the omega's face.

“Wendy saw through your BS a long time ago. You need to worry about meetings with higher ups, interviews, teaching, local law enforcement. You do not need to put on an act for every person you happen to run into, and you definitely don't need to with me.” Holden was curled in the crook of his arm, and Bill dropped his free hand to Holden's thigh, running his hand along it's length.

Holden nodded, not denying Bill's advice, but still unsure.“That's easier said than done. I've been faking it since high school when the betas started singling me out, and the alphas started paying attention.” He snuggled a little more into Bill, and the alpha's arm tightened about him protectively. “And I realized people are overall more comfortable, if I act like a beta.”

Anger flared in Bill's chest. “Fuck it, Holden. It's not your job to make sure everyone else is comfortable. They can get over it, and if they don't, well, screw them. You have to start picking your battles, that's all I'm saying.” He fully turned, wanting to press the omega back onto the couch. “Just give it a try.” He coaxed, kissing him again. 

Holden leaned backwards, trying to balance himself on his elbow and almost succeeded in sliding off the sofa. Bill saved him with a steadying hand. “You do realize I have a bedroom. With an actual bed. How long can you stay?”

“A few hours at least.” He sat back a little, and Holden slowly straightened up. “Is this what you want?” He reached out to stroke the omega's face. “Do you want to be mated by an alpha?” He felt a wave of heat settle in his groin. Between his sweetly submissive body language and delicious scent, Holden had Bill beyond turned on.

“Yes, but I'm sorry, I have to ask.” He held up his hands in a placating gesture, and Bill knew what was coming. He gently took him by the wrists and lowered his hands.

“Go ahead and ask.” Bill invited. _I know I have strings attached._

“You have a family, and I wouldn't ask you to leave them.” He took a deep breath. “But if we keep doing this...” his voice trailed off.

“Then I can't leave you either.” Bill finished for him. _Because bonding_ will _happen. It needs to happen for both our sanity._ Some of the tension left Holden's shoulders at Bill's ready understanding. “I don't know what's going to happen with Nancy. I wish I had an answer, but right now I don't. But, Holden, I'm not going to leave you.” He said the last with confidence, because he knew deep down in his very bones it was true. You never just left your mate, and if they continued fucking, that's what Holden would become.

He nodded, seemingly satisfied, and leaned forward, circling Bill's shoulders with his arms and burying his face in the alpha's neck. “You smell wonderful.” 

“Come on, let's see this bed of yours.”

* * *

Holden hauled himself up, knees a little shaky, need rapidly growing. He led Bill to the bedroom, pulling back the blankets, aware of Bill's hand on his ass. Bill toed off his shoes and sat down at the head of the bed, pulling Holden towards him so the omega was balanced on his knees and one hand, his other palm pressed to Bill's cheek as he kissed him. He took a moment to scent the alpha again, something he had never done much of. _Maybe because I knew what would happen._

He was aware of Bill's hands running up and down over his ribs and back, before sliding down to cup and rub his bottom. Holden pressed back into Bill's hands, lust blooming in his gut, filling his groin with heat. He found Bill's mouth with his own again, eagerly opening for his tongue. They broke apart long enough for Bill to pull Holden's shirt off. The alpha's hands were slower and more insistent now, as he thoroughly explored Holden's upper body. Fingers traced muscle, bone and flesh. Holden sat back on his heels, so he could work on Bill's buttons. 

“You didn't make this easy.” He wanted to touch Bill badly, but layers of fabric stood in his way.

Bill laughed, a warm husky sound. “Sorry to inconvenience you.” He lightly batted Holden's hands away to make quick work of his dress shirt. He stripped it off followed by the cotton undershirt, depositing both unceremoniously on the floor. He returned his hands to Holden's bare waist while the omega was finally able to run his hands over Bill's skin. The alpha's flesh was warm and soft under his hands, and he drew his fingers through the fine gray hairs, pausing to trace a finger tip over his nipple. He lowered his head to experimentally run his tongue over the little nub. 

“That's nice, baby.” Bill breathed, undoing the button and fly on Holden's pants. 

Holden hissed as Bill lightly nipped his neck, the alpha's hands becoming bolder in their explorations as they slid inside Holden's trousers to fondle and squeeze over his briefs. This was different than being intimate with betas, it was more – the extra senses he had inherited as as an omega were fully tuned into his partner, feeding off the alpha's arousal. His body too seemed to recognize the difference between alpha and beta. Holden felt himself slick. It startled him for a moment, because the only frame of reference he had for his body's reactions was the heat cycle he attempted to medicate out of existence. Bill must have felt him tense, or perhaps, Holden gave off something in his scent, because he paused, his touch becoming gentler.

“You OK?”

Holden nodded. “Yeah, it's just strange...I don't usually feel like this, except back before the Dexaphil.” He couldn't quite bring himself to use the word 'heat'.

“If you were in heat, we wouldn't be having this conversation.” Bill pointed out, feeling no such need to dance around the word. “Your body's just doing what it's supposed to. It's not going to respond the same way with a beta.” He kissed Holden, teasing his lips with his tongue. 

Holden relaxed. He had the ability to put a stop to the proceedings if he chose, something that being in heat robbed him of. He just didn't want to. He hadn't realized how badly he needed to be touched until Bill put his hands on him. It wasn't that he needed to get laid, he needed to specifically get laid by an alpha. Bill seemed quite happy to oblige as he shifted his weight forward to push Holden down on the bed and then divest him of his pants and socks. He paused seemingly to admire Holden's splayed form dressed only in a pair of snug briefs that were definitely not hiding the hard on he was sporting.

He wanted the briefs off, they had become increasingly uncomfortable, but sudden shyness stopped him from ditching the offending garment. He had no issue getting naked with girls, but he had never been with an alpha before. He never had a man see his nude body as something to be sexually desired. He was in uncharted waters, and he wasn't entirely sure what he was doing. Bill, however, seemed to have no such concerns as the rest of his clothing hit the floor on top of his shirt and Holden's pants. Bill, it turned out, was rather impressive. _Alpha._ Holden reminded himself. Uniquely made to mate with his own omega self. Holden reached for him with a hungry sound, needing the warmth and reassurance of his body.

“I'm right here, baby.” Bill helped Holden wriggle out of his underwear, his hand sliding along the length of his cock, slowly increasing the pressure as Holden continued to make little pleasure noises. “God, you're adorable.” This time Holden didn't object, preferring instead to run his hands over Bill.

Bill slid his hand farther back between Holden's legs, his fingertips stroking over the little opening, now slick with the omega's arousal. “Bill, _there,_ please, there--” He was surprised at how good it felt to be touched there and knew he wanted more. Bill made a low, pleased sound and lifted himself up so he could roll Holden onto his belly. That moment was another reminder that Bill was bigger and stronger than he was, and that for the first time in his life, he would end up in the more vulnerable position. This didn't bother him nearly as much as he might have thought, but his main concern at the moment was for Bill to do more nice things to him. Bill was accommodating in that regard as he continued to finger his partner open. He started with one thick forefinger, teasing and stroking, before adding another. 

Holden moaned, back arching as he pushed back onto Bill's fingers. “You like this, huh?” Bill added a third, and bent to place kisses across the small of Holden's back.

Holden decided this was his new favorite thing. He liked the feeling of being stretched and filled, and when Bill hit just the right spot...

_“Bill!”_ Holden gasped, squeezing handfuls of the covers in his fists. 

“You're so wet.” 

Holden peeked around his arm to look back at Bill. “Is that all right?”

“Of course it is. I wouldn't want to hurt you.” He slid his fingers out of the omega, and Holden keenly felt their loss. 

“Don't stop.” He pleaded as Bill took hold of his hips and repositioned him a little. The alpha pressed more kisses down his spine.

“I'm not, baby.”

Holden could feel the head of Bill's cock nudge at him, and then push inside. It was a lot at first – alpha's as a rule weren't small. Bill eased in slowly, rubbing his hands reassuringly over the omega's ribs and back. “You're OK, just relax.”

Holden attempted to do as he was told, and discomfort quickly turned to pleasure as Bill started to move inside him. He decided he liked the feeling, and a moan escaped him as Bill found a particularly good angle. 

“Fuck, Holden, you feel good inside.” Bill gasped out, thrusting more quickly now that the omega under him was clearly enjoying himself.

Holden's belly tightened as heat coiled in his groin. He writhed, panting and making soft little gasps and moans, fists gripping the sheets. Bill took a firmer hold on his hips, keeping him still, and increasing the intensity. The world shrank to him and Bill, the feel of the sheets under his knees and forearms, the spicy scent of the alpha's arousal. Bill slid one of his hands down to stroke Holden's length, the pressure from his hand everything Holden needed in that moment. “Mmmmm...that's good.” He slurred out, spreading his thighs as much as he could, wanting Bill as deep inside him as possible.

He could feel the pressure building towards climax, and he both wanted the release of orgasm and didn't want the pleasure to end. Several more deep, hard thrusts from Bill made him cry out his need for release, and Bill's hand firmly stroking his cock finally pushed him over the edge. Bill thrust into him for a little while longer, before reaching his own climax. He dropped forward to lay pressed against Holden's back, panting from exertion. He pressed his lips to Holden's shoulder, the skin hot and flushed.

“You're so good.” He murmured, his hand running up and down Holden's arm. He eventually shifted to separate himself from Holden, and the omega winced a little. He was probably going to be a little sore the next day, but Holden didn't care. His body felt good, used like it was meant to be, and he drowsed, feeling safe and content.

Bill lay beside him for a little while, half drowsing and every so often petting Holden's side and belly. Finally he sat up with a groan. “I need to clean up and get home.” He seemed loath to move.

“It's OK.” Holden said sleepily. “I know you can't stay.” He lifted his head to accept a kiss from Bill and felt the blanket being draped over him before the alpha collected his clothing and disappeared into the bathroom. 

Holden had come somewhat out of his stupor when the alpha reappeared fully clothed, any sign of his having rolled Holden around in bed gone. He sat up and Bill walked over to run an affectionate hand through the omega's hair. “I'll see you tomorrow, baby,” he said.

“Uh huh.” He replied, tilting his head up to be kissed. He sat back and watched the alpha leave. He stretched and forced himself up and into the shower. He was a mess, but a much more relaxed mess. _This is what I was avoiding for years. Why?_ Going to bed with Bill felt like the most natural thing in the world. _It should feel natural, this is what my body was meant to do. It's a much fuller experience when you can smell your partner's pheromones, and I don't have to guess whether or not Bill's enjoying himself. That's a lot less pressure._ He let the hot water beat against his back for another minute before finally switching it off. 

He had been warned off alphas and encouraged to date girls as a teenager, and now he felt a little robbed. It shouldn't take until age thirty to find out what omegas found out in their teens, that he preferred an alpha and certain ways of having intercourse. He thought about the conversation that had brought all this on. _Like it or not, I_ am _an omega._ He was feeling a little kinder towards his secondary gender now that Bill had made him feel good. _Bill might actually have a point._


	3. Small Victories

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Holden attempts to take Bill's advice with mixed results, while Bill realizes just how messy his personal life is likely to get.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Story complete - and this thing got revised, and pulled apart, and put back together so many times. It was originally longer, but I carved out about 2,000 words in order to keep it tighter. So while this fic was very Holden centered, Bill will get more focus in the next one. First chapter of that will be up next week. Thanks for reading everybody!

Bill came home to a silent child and frazzled wife. He helped get Brian ready for bed and Nancy pick up the house, giving his wife some breathing room. He felt a little guilty about the additional time spent away from home, but he didn't feel guilty about the infidelity. Sex with Holden had confirmed what he had already come to know – that he couldn't go on living like a beta any more than Holden could. He might blend in and be better accepted by the majority beta population than an omega, but alphas still weren't betas. He needed a mate, not a wife. Someone he could connect with on a deeper level and that shared the experience of not being beta.

_Maybe when we can get Brian on an even keel again. At that point Nancy will be able to cope better on her own, and it won't be adding another thing on top of Brian's recent trauma._ It was a comforting thought that with the right timing, he could bow out and feel like he wasn't leaving his family in the midst of a disaster. He listened while Nancy worried over Brian's upcoming appointment with the psychiatrist.

“Why can't they all just leave him alone? How is being poked and prodded at going to help?” She handed Bill a dish to put away.

“I know Nance, but they're just doing their jobs, and maybe the psychiatrist will help.”

“I can't see how...wouldn't it be better to just let him forget about what happened. He's just a child.” She handed over several glasses.

Bill could easily admit that he was not the best when it came to the ins and outs of mental health issues whether it be Holden's panic attacks or his son's regression. However, he knew enough to doubt the veracity of his wife's statement. “I'm not sure it works like that, but I'm not a shrink. Look, Nance, I don't know if the appointments will help him or not, but we don't have a choice, and I doubt it'll hurt.” She looked unconvinced.

That night he lay beside his wife and thought about Holden. He regretted having to run out so quickly, and he realized that for the near future at least, he was in for quite a juggling act. _It's worth it, though. I need this and Holden needs this. I just have to hold on for awhile longer._

* * *

The next evening Holden sat in his car in the grocery store parking lot considering his life and what the hell was wrong with him that going in to buy a loaf of bread was so fraught with peril. Normally he wouldn't have thought twice about it, but Bill's advice kept running through his head. The alpha's advice created a compromise that respected Holden's need to succeed in the work place while allowing him respite from the constant pressure of having to blend in. However, dropping the mask he metaphorically put on every time he left his apartment was...frightening. Showing Bill who he really was had been difficult enough, and it had been a foregone conclusion that Bill would have no issues with Holden displaying common omega mannerisms. _Well, I can sexually arouse an alpha, but I can't buy bread. What is wrong with me?_

A seductive little voice in his head suggested he ignore Bill's words and carry on as normal, but all that had gotten Holden so far was a prescription for Valium. _This shouldn't have so much power over my life. When did this happen?_ As a child, it had helped put his beta parents at ease, and later stave off unwanted attention. His mother hadn't wanted him to be an omega and have to go through the things that her omega parent had gone through. _But that was a different time before there were suppressants, and few educational and job opportunities. This isn't like my grandparents' generation, and I'm a grown man. A grown man who has been sitting in the parking lot for the last ten minutes..._ He mentally shook himself. He was getting worked up, and over what? The last thing he needed was to panic, take a Valium and need Bill pick him up. That would be humiliating.

He opened the car door and stepped out. He was always aware of what his body was doing, lest he fall back into his hardwired omega tendencies. But he was so used to doing it, half the time he wasn't fully conscious of the effort. Now that he was attempting the opposite, he realized just how much energy it had taken to play the part of a normal male beta. He felt naked walking in without his defense mechanisms up, because that's what they were. He saw that now. 

He glanced around him. _Bill's right, no one here cares, and their opinions don't matter anyway. The cashiers just want to go home, and that lady over there is more concerned about her kids pulling all the candy off the shelves._ He winced as a cascade of marshmallow bags hit the ground, and he avoided the sugary carnage. He snagged a loaf of bread and paused, trying to remember if he needed margarine. He threw a couple more items in the basket that he thought he might need and went to check out. 

Home never felt so much like a sanctuary. But instead of feeling accomplished that he had survived the grocery store without giving in, he felt curiously empty. Holden put the groceries away, changed into his pajamas and mindlessly flipped through the television stations. He settled on the local news, but it quickly became background to his own thoughts. An ugly truth underlay his issues. He had invested a large part of his identity in not being a 'typical' omega. _Do I really hate what I am that much?_ He braced himself for the wave of pain and distress that usually came with poking that old self inflicted wound, but it came as an old dull ache this time rather than a stab.

Holden thought about Bill and how physically good sex as an omega felt, and how cut off from his environment he would be without the scent receptors only alphas and omegas possessed. He wasn't comfortable with himself as an omega, but he realized that he didn't _want_ to be a beta. 

He remembered being a child, and his parents, his mother in particular, encouraging him to make eye contact with people and how anxious it made him. He hadn't understood why he needed look anyone in the eye, or stand tall, or speak louder, but he knew it upset his mother when he didn't at least try. He had so badly wanted to please. That was years before he presented, but it became clear later that everyone had suspected. He never really questioned it, first because he had assumed as a young person that his parents' reasoning was correct. Then because he was afraid that their reasoning might have been flawed, and he didn't like to think about what that meant. He quickly pushed those thoughts away. In truth, he had a number of questions regarding his family, but it was like holding Pandora's Box. If he opened the lid, there would be no putting what he found back inside.

Still, there was no doubt that the lid had been cracked at least a little bit. In a short span of time he had managed to break most of the rules drilled into him as a child – don't get romantically involved with alphas and behave like a beta. A small rebellious part of him reveled in the transgressions even as dropping his beta mask caused anxiety. He wondered if it was childish to feel that way, or if it was a natural part of starting to lay claim to his own life.

* * *

“You're being cute again,” Bill said, putting his head close to Holden's to be heard over the music. It was the same bar Holden had taken Wendy to when he decided to ask her advice about his panic attacks. A quick drink after work at a place no one from work ever seemed to go. They had an unspoken agreement that discretion was the better part of valor in this case. No official policies existed regarding alpha/omega relationships between bureau employees, because the issue hadn't come up before. Omegas didn't typically become FBI agents. Neither Holden or Bill wanted to be involved in setting that precedent.

“I'm trying – not to be cute,” he shot Bill a look from under lowered lashes, “but to take your advice.” He decided that Bill didn't need the specifics of his grocery store run. There was no way it didn't sound ridiculous to him let alone his partner.

“Is that so?” Bill smirked, his hand resting casually on Holden's back. 

“Yes, some of my reasoning before might have been flawed. But to be fair, it's difficult to break habits you've had since childhood.” He felt some need to defend himself against Bill's smugness.

“Childhood? I thought you were a teenager.” Bills tone was still light, but Holden sensed a subtle shift in mood. 

_Ugh, I talk too much._ “It's easier when I'm around you.” He decided redirection was the best way to cope with his slip up. He didn't really want to discuss his childhood with Bill at the moment. He was still trying to figure it out himself and didn't know how deeply he really wanted to delve. 

“I'm giving your body something to respond to, and I in return respond back.” He brought his mouth close to Holden's ear. “That's how it works. Welcome to the world of non betas. It took you long enough to get here.”

“Ha ha,” Holden said sarcastically. He absently shook his glass and watched ice bounce back and forth. “It's not that I _want_ to be a beta.” _Though I'm not sure that was true before._

“Then don't act like one. Just let go – you're able to right now. You did the other night.” Bill gave him a little squeeze. “The world has plenty of betas, it doesn't need one more.” He teased. 

Holden felt himself relax, lulled by the scent of confident alpha. _Why did I ever avoid this?_ He asked himself again. He was starting to see what he was from a different perspective, and it felt... _OK,_ maybe not entirely comfortable yet, but _OK._ It was a place to start.


End file.
